A once famous cycle racer who now must not be named once said ‘its not just about the bike’, and he  was right. Although the bike is terribly important in terms of things such as frame material, manufacturer and chainset configuration, it’s also about what the rider wears, how he or she wears it, and most important yet most subtly of all – how one speaks.

Cycling prehaps more than any other sport or pastime is subject to the vagaries of fashion and snobbery. The vast choice available of both bikes and kit makes (like it or not!) what you wear and ride a form of personal statement, indeed some riders I know seem to agonise more over which hugely expensive Italian made jersey to pull on pre-ride than making sure there is air in their tyres, and water in their bidons.

For the new or uninitiated cyclist inadvertently breaching any of these nefarious cycling taboos can lead to the poor neophyte being ostracised by their fellow cyclists without ever even finding out why they are being ignored or treated to looks of withering contempt when passed out on the road.

Why people get so hung up about things like the length of their shorts or the size of their chainrings is one of life’s deeper mysteries, and one unfortunately that I have no answer to. I could make some load of codswallop up about deep-rooted insecurities relating to unresolved childhood trauma or unfulfilled sexual  fantasies, but what would be the point?

What I can offer as a serial offender of cycling sensibilities are some pointers on the more common faux-pas it’s possible to commit when attached to or close to bicycles. One of the biggest issues is the schism between Mountain Bikers and Roadies. Never the twain shall meet, and if they do meet they will wilfully misunderstand and belittle each other. Even riders who do secretly partake of and enjoy both disciplines will never admit to liking both, and will strenuously deny any duality of their cycling persona exists if questioned on the subject.

For this reason I’ll tackle on and off-road related bloopers separately to avoid possible confusion………

Mountain Biking Must Does and No-No’s. 

1.  Lycra or close-fitting jerseys must not be worn if riding any MTB with more than 100mm of front suspension. Lycra is acceptable if riding a short travel hardtail, but you better be thin as a greyhound and rocket fast up hills because everyone will assume you’re a cross-country racer and most probably a secret roadie.
2. When talking to other Mtbers pre or post ride the words ‘gnarly’ and ‘rad’ must be employed several time within each sentence.
3. All other riders regardless of gender are to be addressed as ‘dude’ or ‘dudes’ if in a group.
4. Full face helmets are only to be worn if your bike has more than 180mm of travel front & rear and then you are also committed to getting off and pushing your bike up any climb you encounter while complaining loudly.
5. Anyone wearing knee and / or elbow protection who is found riding slowly on the trails will be ruthlessly ridiculed by those passing them.
6. Travelling to the trailhead in a converted Volkswagen T4 or T5 van although not yet compulsory at UK Trail Centres will instantly increase your kudos in the car park. Extra style points will be awarded for faded ‘Animal’ or ‘Santa-Cruz’ stickers.
7. Visible tattoos and facial piercings for both sexes are positively encouraged.
8. Triple chainsets are deeply uncool, doubles are acceptable but single front rings are best for style even though this means 90% of single ring converts have mis-adjusted malfunctioning gears.
9. If riding in a group the rearmost rider should be wearing either a chest mounted or helmet mounted Go-Pro to capture any misfortunes that befall the group. Any such footage must be uploaded to YouTube at the first convenient opportunity post ride.
10. Stopping to reconnoitre unfamiliar and difficult looking sections of trail is considered ‘bad form’ and is not encouraged. Conversely hitting such sections at maximum velocity with total disregard for your  own safety even if this results in being strapped to a spinal board makes you a ‘rad and gnarly dude’ (see points 2 & 3)

Road Riding Must Does and No-No’s

1. Baggy shorts or tops must on no account be worn! (no exceptions, even for those body profile stretches the elasticity of Lycra……..
2. When talking to other Roadies at cafe stops or during club runs special Roadie only phrases such as ‘on the rivet’ must be used. If other riders don’t understand or look blank, they’re not proper Roadies, period.
3. The words ‘rad’, ‘gnarly’ & ‘dude’ must never be used.
4. All helmets should have fiendishly difficult to adjust retention and strap systems. One strap must always be slightly twisted and uncomfortable. Also – no helmets with peaks may be worn.
5. The use of leg and arm warmers is only permitted if the wind chill is below -5 degrees Celsius. This rule also applies to full finger gloves
6. When travelling to events such as sportives by car,the cost and model of car should be proportional to the cost and model of the bike carried. ie. Full carbon Pinerello Dogma would equate to an Audi RS4 or BMW M5 estate, a Halfords Apollo special would equate to say a 20-year-old Nissan Cherry.
7. Tattoo’s are acceptable but usually above the Lycra line and not displayed. Facial hair is more acceptable since Sir Brad grew some facial fuzz, but you run the risk of being labelled a cycle tourist.
8. Triple chainsets on road bikes are for wimps and will result in ridicule. Compact doubles are acceptable, but real riders use a traditional 52/42 with a close ratio block at the back.
9. Recording rides with a Go-Pro is acceptable if only footage of errant motorists and stray pedestrians who incur your wrath are posted online. Be careful not to upload footage of you jumping red lights or riding on the pavement by accident.
10. Descending not using the drops or all of the road is considered bad form. Conversely managing to trigger speed cameras and using the wrong side of the road to maintain momentum while chasing Strava segments will guarantee respect from proper Roadies.

These points are of course not an exhaustive list, I’ve deliberately shied away from addressing really difficult and controversial issues such as male riders leg shaving issues – whole books have been written on how far up the thigh to stop. There are somethings that individuals must decide for themselves!

Good Luck Out There………….