I am awesomely weak when it comes to spunking my pitiful disposable income on the latest ‘must have’ cycling trends. Dropper posts, 29′ wheels, 1x whatever drivetrain – I’ve fitted them all and then wondered why I’ve really bothered. Even when it’s something I really am going to use if there’s a chance to over empty the wallet I just can’t seem to help myself. Take my handlebar mounted computer which most probably has more processing power than it took to get three blokes to the moon. It already has more functionality than I’ll ever need or use, so why did I drop another three figure sum onto the cost to add full UK O.S. mapping to the spec sheet? Did I need it? Well, if I’m on the road bike I know my local roads well, and 9 times out of 10 on the MTB I’m at a trail center. So having those maps sitting idle in the microchip is about as useful as a left-handed screwdriver 99% of the time. The one time I did get a bit lost and fired up the maps I quickly realised the screen was far too small to make them of any use whatsoever ……… quickly realising that I’d need glasses thicker than Penfold from Dangermouse to have any chance of reading the minute squiggles on the screen which might have been roads and place names I had to revert to my usual plan B and just ride off hopefully in what seemed to be the best direction till I recognised a place-name on a road sign. That was £120 well spent then.

Dropper seat posts. The ‘must have’ addition to every mountain bike. ‘A dropper post will transform your riding’ claimed practically every bike tester in every single magazine or on every website. They quickly went from ruinously expensive to just expensive as the big brands jumped on the band wagon and soon they were adorning practically everyone’s bike. In fact these days an awful lot of bikes aimed at the ‘all mountain’ (whatever the hell that is?) and trail markets come with one as standard equipment from new. Certainly nearly all newish frames come equipped with cable routing braze-ons to accommodate them. Like lots of people I read the articles, weighed the pros and cons and opened my wallet to ensure I was part of this cutting edge trend. About two years down the line from first fitting a dropper post to one of my bikes I’m still waiting for that transformation of the ride that so many people promised me. I simply almost never use it.

The only time it’s truly been useful was the truly horrific time my quads cramped so badly that even after what seemed like hours crouched whimpering by the side of the trail clutching my bike I still couldn’t straighten my left leg fully. Dropping the saddle to its fullest extent let me clamber back on and wobble off pedalling absurdly with my reticent lower limbs contorted like a drunken chimpanzee. Limping along the fire road back to the trail center I was able to slowly inch my saddle back up to something approaching normal height as the muscles in my leg gradually stopped trying to contract beyond their natural limits. This however wasnt the sort of riding revelation I was hoping for when I fitted the post.

In normal use when my limbs are functioning in an at least partially acceptable manner by the time I remember I’ve got the dropper fitted I’m usually past the bit of trail where it might have been strategically beneficial to lower the saddle. If I do have the foresight to think about dropping it and have the spare mental and manual dexterity to operate the lever while weaving down the trail often I end up wondering why I bothered. having the saddle out of the way actually seems to make me slower you see. I wonder if its my predominately road riding background but I do seem to prefer the comfort of having something hard and unyielding close to my nether regions at all times (as the bishop said to the actress, pharnrr phnarr…….)

Anyway, this is not about the various reasons that I’ve found the dropper post to be a bit of a performance enhancing disappointment. it’s about my inability to resist marketing hype. So having comprehensively concluded that having a dropper post on the Zesty had improved my riding about as much as listening to whale music had helped my wife deal with childbirth, what did I do when I built my next steed the recently departed Cotic? yes! I bought another one! why? I really do have no real idea or any real excuse. Why the hell did I buy something I already knew wasnt going to improve my biking experience? Because deep, deep down the marketing hype had won. Everybody who was anybody said a dropper post was essential for ‘proper’ mountain bikes. Bike tests had been decided in the magazines on which test bike had the best post included in the spec. Older frames which didn’t accept a dropper were ruthlessly labelled as hopelessly out of date and obsolete. Riding friends all used them and claimed it would be nigh on impossible now to ride a bike without one. They regaled me with stories of rides spent endlessly and seamlessly adjusting their seat height in almost continuous harmony with the ever-changing terrain as they effortlessly floated over it their saddles always in the perfect position.

It all made me feel almost guilty for not ‘getting it’. It must be me I thought to myself. I obviously just needed to persevere and the riding nirvana promised to me would materialise in a moment of epiphany as I dropped off a steep step down at mach 9 with the saddle safely tucked out of the way the full 125mm lower that the seatpost box had promised. Yeah, right. In reality I usually crawl off steep step downs at walking pace and that’s only when I’ve had my morning brave pill, and to be honest I’ve always been perfectly able to get off the back of a saddle without having to drop it out of the way thanks to my hobbit like legs and gorilla like arms.

I’ve already covered my misguided 29′ wheel adventure in another article so I wont re-hash all the gruesome details, but that was more or less the same rather sad and pathetic story. Middle aged man falls for marketing hype, believes he must have bigger wheels, spends money, is ultimately disappointed and no better at riding bikes than before. As my old boss was fond of reminding me when cataloguing my misdemeanours and failures, it seems I’m a slow learner who keeps right on making the same mistakes over and over.

I dont know what the next big cycling breakthrough must have widget / techincal advance is going to be, but I am absolutly determined to resist at all costs. This time they are not taking my wallet without a fight. I’ve started by going dark. Cutting myself off from all forms of temptation. My supscription to ‘Cycling Plus’ and ‘Singletrack’ magazines have been cancelled. There will be no more furtive reading of ‘What Mountain Bike’ or ‘MBR’ in the newsagents. I’m not going to read anymore 8 page forum threads on which ceramic bearing bottom bracket is best, and I’ve removed myself from several big online cycling superstores mailing lists, so no more being bombarded with ‘Sale of the Century’ emails four times a day. If those clever marketing men can’t find me they can’t tempt me.

From now on I’m going to live and ride my the famous maxim of the great Eddy Merckx: